All of a sudden, I started trembling with fear. “Not again!”, I said putting my face in my hands to hide the despair. I was familiar with this pain of utter consternation. I was so scared that my heart started pounding. I couldn’t escape my senses, that were chaotically building up, and I knew something must be done. I rushed to my room looking for something, so as not to leave the feeling prolong for too long in my mind. There they were: my Christmas lights. I’d been meaning to hang them on my wall for almost a year now, but I’d never had the right mood or the patience to arrange them properly.
For some reason, at that moment they looked like my salvation, and maybe I could cope with my terrifying fear. As I took them in my hands, while sitting on my bed, I thought to myself: “What shape should I make of them?! A heart? Yes! A big, warm heart to light up my dark fears and insecurities.” I really needed to hang on, not be strong, just make it through the night until this would go away, until I made them leave.
I knew I had to do this, and I did.
First, I used a pencil to mark the shape on the wall, erasing and resizing the heart shape until I was pleased. Afterwards, I brought the adhesive tape and I put it on the marks created. I arranged each light bulb on the tape, and as the lights started making sense, taking the heart shape, my anxiety began twisting from inside of me, until like an itch, it was fading away. By the time I had turned them on, my anxiety was nowhere to be found.
“Yes!” I shouted out, relieved of it all. It was past midnight, but my mind could rest and I felt feathery and calm. I needed this win because relying on myself was what I would do, but I haven’t be able to, for a while, and now it was time to regain control.
“Yes!” I whispered, this time clenching my fists. “It’s you and I, kiddo”, I continued, happy of my own win. So, I closed my eyes, comfortable even if I were never to wake up tomorrow.